As you know, we’re more than a Swim/Bike/Run triathlon team. We add the little known fourth sport of karaoke. As part of posting training tips for other events, we’d be remiss not to talk about how to shine on stage. This will be a series, so this list isn’t exhaustive.
Don’t sing slow songs after 10pm. No matter how good you sound, no matter how meaningful a song is to you, no matter how many people ask you to sing it. Anything slower than the Backstreet Boy’s “I Want it That Way” is strictly prohibited. Everybody thinks they’re having a great time, and then somebody turns in “Turn the Page” by Bob Seger and then everybody’s heart rate drops and they get bored.
If you don’t believe me, go do karaoke at Yosemite Sams in Memphis, and wait for the lady in charge of karaoke to sing a mournful song called “Cry Baby” by Janis Joplin. She does it once every two hours, and, literally, people quit drinking and take naps. WTF lady?
Don’t sing songs that people have never heard of. Same thing, lady in charge of Yosemite Sams.
Do make an effort to sound like the original. This means hitting the high notes, even if you sound bad. There’s a reason why Prince got rich, and you became an accountant. Tonight, though, channel Prince.
Do inject your songs with sexual innuendo. But don’t overdo it. If you’re not sure where the line is, just watch the reaction of the college-aged girls who are judging you.
Do hold the microphone close to your face when you sing. It’s sort of unnatural, but it sounds better.
Stay tuned for more karaoke hits. As everybody knows, as the triathlon season winds down in October through the winter, that’s the best time of year to focus on karaoke.